no one asks the hard questions

Before we decided to foster-to-adopt we were in the process of adopting internationally. During one of my visits to the vet of all places, the assistant heard about our international endeavors. She asked me why we weren’t adopting here in the good ole USA.
Her question didn’t catch me off guard because I had read about adoptive parents being asked this numerous times. Some would call those asking this naive, and some would just say they are inquisitive. I balance somewhere in the middle.

I answered her right away with the response I had planned in case this situation ever arose. “There are many children in other countries who need homes, and that’s what we feel we are supposed to do.” I didn’t add that foster care scared me to death, and that there seem to be thousands of couples waiting in line for newborn infants here in America. A more important reason for me was, my heart had gone out to the unwanted little girls in China.

Fast forward to the present; we have adopted through foster care once, and are about to do so again. When I was driving our babysitter home the other day, she asked, “So, are you going to do foster care again?”

I responded, “We would like to wait until the kids are older, but, yes we will adopt again. Though I’m not sure if we will do foster care again, I would like to adopt internationally.”

She dove in with another one, “Why do you want to adopt internationally?”

I fumbled and grasped for an easy answer. “I feel pulled towards the kids in orphanages. I would really like to adopt from a place like Russia or Kazakhstan. Some want to adopt from those countries because they think the children will look like them, but some are scared by the possibility of the child having FAS. In Ethiopia the kids age out when they are twelve, kicked out on the street with nothing. I just feel pulled toward an out-of-country adoption. Who knows what will happen.”

In the end, I am glad that she asked me. She may have been asking just to ask, or she may have wanted to know why we would go out of country when we had done foster care twice. Whatever the reason, it made me think of what my answer would be if someone else decided to pop one on me. There is a HUGE need for good foster homes in the US, but there is also an ever growing need in other countries as well.

do the right questions elude you?

While on the phone with an old friend, she asked me what I had been up to recently. It took me a while to compile my life in a few short words. But I need not have worried, as I completed my statement regarding our Foster Closet, a barrage of questions began flowing.

“Explain to me what that is,” she said. The questions kept trickling in from there. She was really interested in taking the idea and putting it to use in another county. I was surprised at the inquiries she made.

I was excited that this friend of mine had so many questions. That the subject had to do with helping foster kids was probably beneficial. (Something I’m very passionate about.) Then again, I probably liked her approach because it’s similar to my own. You see, I am the queen of asking questions. Maybe there’s someone out there who can knock me off my throne to the rank of princess. That I wouldn’t mind. I do, however, have a problem asking the right questions. I would embarrass myself if I went down the list of projects or ventures I have delved into without doing so properly.

That wasn’t the case when my husband and I decided to adopt through foster care. This is a monumental life decision, and we asked hundreds of questions before we started. We wanted, not only to know what to expect, but how to help the kids. We thought others with experience would be helpful in guiding us forward.

As others we have come in contact with decide to do foster-to-adopt, I have been disappointed in their lack of inquiries. One aquaintance decided to do foster care. After the child had been in their home for a period of time, the mom said to me, “No one tells you how emotionally taxing this (fostering) is.” She wasn’t told because she never asked any questions. If they had, I would have shared just that.

So, how about you? Do you ask the right questions? Are others annoyed with you when you do?

Do you do the same thing when going into a new venture; whether it be for business, philanthropy, or just for fun? How prepared are you when you begin something new?